Cultivating Healthy Attachments Online

While there are delightfully solitary ways of living and working, many people find they want and need meaningful social interaction in order to experience the intangible joys that can make life worthwhile, especially online.

In this essay, I weave together ideas from two books and one article to illuminate and give shape to a common struggle in our times.

Success in communication is challenging for everyone—even for those who had supportive relationships in their formative years, even for those who developed soft skills later in life, and even for those who can apply their positive experiences to create healthy bonds with people online.

If you’re like me, you might wonder:

• What does healthy attachment look like in real life?
• Is it possible to grow healthy friendships online?
• How does it look to know someone in a supportive way?

So, let’s dive in!

Question 1: What does healthy attachment look like in real life?

According to Pepperdine University’s Boone Center for the Family, there are 5 characteristics of healthy attachment: acceptance, playfulness, curiosity, empathy, and truth.

In a broad sense, the presence of these characteristics indicates wellness in any sort of relationship where we spend a lot of time together—family, friends, coworkers, clients, collaborators, and more.

While it might be a miracle to find one person who is good at fostering all five characteristics, it might be practical to recognize that each person we treasure exemplifies at least one of them pretty well.

This one characteristic could be the reason we like spending time with them. Plus, it might be a good rationale for inviting a variety of people into our lives who bring experiences of their own, because we do improve with diversity, equity, and inclusion.

Question 2: Is it possible to grow healthy attachments online?

Yes, as long as people continue to feel safe and respected. There are plenty of risks and some are mentioned in the Boone Center article. However, if we are willing to learn as we go, and if we are willing to set a reasonable pace that makes space for reflection and introspection, then intangible joys will manifest.

To experience interpersonal joy requires intentional effort. Pre-internet, the way to get to know someone was to spend time together in-person and to supplement that time with phone calls, notes, and letters. Who remembers pen pals and chat rooms? With email, texting, social media, and online meetings, our forms of communication get faster, less personal, and less private.

Question 3: How does it look to know someone in a supportive way?

It becomes challenging to apply the soft skills that David Brooks describes in his book, How to Know a Person: The Art of Seeing Others Deeply and Being Deeply Seen, to our digital communications.

The real act of, say, building a friendship or creating a community involves performing a series of small, concrete social actions well: disagreeing without poisoning the relationship; revealing vulnerability at the appropriate pace; being a good listener; knowing how to end a conversation gracefully; knowing how to ask for and offer forgiveness; knowing how to let someone down without breaking their heart; knowing how to sit with someone who is suffering; knowing how to host a gathering where everyone feels embraced; knowing how to see things from another’s point of view.

All of this can be learned, but perhaps over a lifetime. If we develop humility and experience grace, it is possible to remain with some of the same people our whole lives, such as a best friend, a parent, and a partner. It helps to ask ourselves, “Who in my life wants to be deeply connected with me, and who do I want to be deeply connected with?” (There are bonus points for knowing why and being able to articulate it to them.)

Practicing mindfulness is one powerful method for developing a sense of personal presence that leads to healthy attachments. David Brooks touches on the concept of presence as a form of ministry in his book, The Road to Character, which authentically chronicles the lives of well-known people to draw out the defining aspects of their principles.

Bringing it together

If we understand the soft skills of communicating well, and if we understand how to foster acceptance, playfulness, curiosity, empathy, and truth with people who are special to us, then it is possible to cultivate healthy attachments and interpersonal warmth even in our digital spaces. It might take patience and diligence, but it is possible.

The important thing to remember is that healthy attachments aren’t passive pursuits. We must be truly present with a person to show them we care, and the small actions that cultivate our care may be facilitated by technology if we are willing to adapt to it and improve ourselves in the process.